[ Maybe it's cowardly of him, but he didn't want to do this in person. She was beyond inconsolable in the warehouse and he felt completely powerless to help. He didn't know what he'd do if she would've reacted the same way in the hospital. Text, he thinks, is a little bit easier on the both of them. Some forced structure to actually be able to talk to one another. ]
[There's a lot of things she could say, a lot of things that she wants to say. But she can't. James is, at best, and aquatintance and who knows how he'd feel about her getting all...emotional on him.
Still
He's maybe, one of eight other people that could possibly understand.]
She hasn't spoken with Ayano since the rescue. She's felt guilty, horrifically so, for making Ayano a target for Malik. For convincing her to go forward. That she'd be safe.
[The text from Naoto seems almost ghostlike, at first. She'd been wondering when Naoto would show up at her side to talk to her and make her feel safe again, but...]
ah, naoto...
I'm sorry that our trip to the bookstore has gotten so delayed
[The door swings open to reveal Ayano wearing a bright, excited grin! Kyouko may already have the impression from the sheer size of Ayano's home. The space immediately behind her is spacious and well decorated–teeming with elements of wealth. There's a wide open foyer with a lot of fancy antiques and cabinets lining the wall. A record player, and a few big comfy chairs surrounding a circular table.
Ayano however, still shows the signs of her long hospital stay in the bags under her eyes and the faded bruises on her jaw. Her thick red scarf is now wrapped tightly around her neck, where it will stay probably forever.]
Thank you for coming! It's so good to see you, I've missed you since our last adventure, ehehe...
[And then will motion the older girl inside, directing her towards a staircase leading up.]
My room is probably the best place. I already kind of set it up for us...
[As she's leading Kyouko into the posh home, she looks back curiously.]
Now that I think about it...have you gotten any abilities or powers back?
[This letter winds up in the mailbox, addressed to Ayano, but without any stamps on it. Naoto's name (or at least "N. Shirogane") is clearly visible in the return address.
It's been neatly written by hand.]
Dear Ayano,
A friend recommended I write a letter to you. I've always been better at gathering and expressing my thoughts like this, so I hope it's a good idea. If it isn't, I suppose it's too late now that you're reading this.
To be perfectly honest, even without the issue of my gender, I'm not sure I would have been able to accept the feelings you have for me. Not because of any failing on your part, mind you. You're a wonderful, kind person who I've been happy to get to know over the past months. The issue is completely mine: I'm not good with emotions. I'm not good at recognizing them. (Clearly, as I missed how you felt about me.) I'm not good at handling them. I'm not good at processing them. I think you deserve someone who can be as warm towards you as you are towards your friends. I think you deserve someone who can relax and let themselves enjoy the little things in life, rather than being always so tight-strung.
But I do feel I owe you an explanation, at the very least.
There are several people here in Recolle who know the secret of my gender. Some are administrators, who have seen my paperwork. Some are people I apparently knew in my past life, who knew a me who wasn't trying to hide. And some found out... let's just say accidentally.
I've never told anyone why. Not even my grandparents. So I thought I would tell you.
About four or five years ago, I was living in the suburbs with my grandparents. I was so excited about becoming a detective, like the ones in the books and movies I voraciously consumed. I was eager to follow in the footsteps of my father and grandfather and great-grandfather, to continue the Shirogane legacy. I crafted all sorts of detective tools for myself, and purchased a police scanner to look out for potential crime scenes near me, thinking I could help.
One day, I heard about a burglary not too far from my school. Excited, I grabbed my bags, and went to help investigate. The officer on the scene looked at me like I'd grown a second head when I announced I was here to help. "You're just a girl," I remember him saying. "What can you do?"
Now that I put it into writing, it seems small and petty to me. It's just as possible he was referring to my age and youth as it was my gender. Maybe this entire time I've been interpreting it wrong. Perhaps I've just been foolish.
At the time, though, it was crushing. I remember the look on his face and the tone in his voice. I don't remember walking home, only curling up in my bedroom and feeling like a failure. He was right, I thought. There were no hardboiled detectives in my novels who were girls. It was a man's world, wasn't it? Even the Shirogane family legacy had been passed down from father to son, never to a daughter. If I wanted to live up to that legacy, I thought, I would have to never again be seen as "just a girl."
So I convinced my grandparents to let me move into the city, where I could do a work-study at my father's old precinct. I would be an independent young adult, and in the process, I would completely reinvent myself. Nobody would ever see me that way ever again: "just a girl."
I think I really have been a fool.
I wish I could have thought of something better to say the other week when we spoke in my home. I wish I could have been better at comforting you. I didn't know what I should say. To be honest, I'm still not sure I do. I'm just trying to be as honest as I can and hope it turns out well?
Trust is a hard concept for me. There are people I would trust with my life (other officers at the precinct) who don't know this secret of mine. To me, I would say in a second that I trust them... but if they learned about this, would they feel deceived too? Maybe they would be right to.
You have the right to feel deceived and betrayed, I think. When you erase all the context and details, I was dishonest with you about a fundamental concept of who I am.
But I do want to tell you that everything else was true. How I think about the world.
How I think about you.
I never thought you were stupid. To the contrary, I think you're often too hard on yourself. You're someone who in many ways I envy-- and admire, like for your compassion and strength. I genuinely did enjoy getting to know you and becoming your friend. I genuinely did-- and do-- care about your well-being and health. I felt protective of you, not because of any obligation or because of my duty as an officer.
It was because you were my friend. You were important to me. You *are* important to me.
I'm sorry for deceiving and hurting you, Ayano. You deserve better than that.
I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you have every right to be mad at me or hurt by my actions, and if you do not want to talk to me again, I will understand and respect your request.
But I would like to be friends, still. I would like to talk to you and hear your perspective on things and listen to you laugh and see you smile. If that is something that you would like, too, then please, you are welcome to contact me at any time.
[A text comes to you in the late afternoon of February 3rd. The sender's name has been encrypted and errors out and there are no signs of who the message belongs to. Clicking on the profile of this Retrospec user brings up a picture of the Retrospec symbol.]
How would you like to help us help you out? Your observation period's up and I want you on this particular assignment. You'll be fine, you're probably not going to die, and we'll be able to monitor you from here. We need help. You've got the skills needed even if you don't know it yet. I know it and that's what counts.
You'll be working with a group (wish I could give you the names, still putting the lists together), but your assignment partner is Rosalind Lutece. Should you choose to accept this assignment, you will need to meet at the subway and we'll go from there.
You'll be rewarded for your success, of course, but this is only if we have an agreement. Do we have an agreement?
[No other messages will be sent from this account at this time.]
[ooc: Hello! You've been sorted into group 2. Your event log will go up at 9pm EST along with all of the other logs. We encourage you to read the main event log as well for more information about your recruiter and this note. In the meantime, head over to this thread on the latest mod post to meet your teammates. Thank you!]
Ayano, are you safe? It it's anything like what happened when I was spirited away, you may not have access to Retrospec. If you do, please let me know as soon as you can. Or as soon as you return.
-hold your hand -nestle my face into your shoulder -run a finger along your spine -smell your shampoo in your hair -hear you laugh -see your smile -lean against you on the couch -share with you the novel I'm reading -touch your face -see you in between classes at school -watch you scruff Kanji's fur -close my eyes and enjoy your presence -kiss you -tell you a joke (likely poorly) -embrace you
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
9/13 misfire!
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9/15 Misfire
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What are we even talking about
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09/16 @ 3:00 AM misfire
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backdated from 9/15
considering it's you im sure you can find a way to fuck it up and have that girl not speak to you again
good going, kuma-kun
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text, day after the narukamis house party
also hi. get home ok?
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writing my number on your arm worked!!
ps i wanna die
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10/1 I FLIPPED A COIN
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Wait who is this
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a few days after they all get out of the hospital
hey
how are you holding up
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Still
He's maybe, one of eight other people that could possibly understand.]
i don't really know, James
What about you?
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text, 10/24
She hasn't spoken with Ayano since the rescue. She's felt guilty, horrifically so, for making Ayano a target for Malik. For convincing her to go forward. That she'd be safe.
She wasn't safe.]
How are you feeling?
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ah, naoto...
I'm sorry that our trip to the bookstore has gotten so delayed
I'm
Trying to get better...
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11/1
what's up. ]
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Ayano however, still shows the signs of her long hospital stay in the bags under her eyes and the faded bruises on her jaw. Her thick red scarf is now wrapped tightly around her neck, where it will stay probably forever.]
Thank you for coming! It's so good to see you, I've missed you since our last adventure, ehehe...
[And then will motion the older girl inside, directing her towards a staircase leading up.]
My room is probably the best place. I already kind of set it up for us...
[As she's leading Kyouko into the posh home, she looks back curiously.]
Now that I think about it...have you gotten any abilities or powers back?
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11/5 text
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I like when you remember to do the things i tell you to do you're very reliable johnathan
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BACKDATED 11/06
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You have a gift for me? For yourself?
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12/10, hand-delivered
It's been neatly written by hand.]
Dear Ayano,
A friend recommended I write a letter to you. I've always been better at gathering and expressing my thoughts like this, so I hope it's a good idea. If it isn't, I suppose it's too late now that you're reading this.
To be perfectly honest, even without the issue of my gender, I'm not sure I would have been able to accept the feelings you have for me. Not because of any failing on your part, mind you. You're a wonderful, kind person who I've been happy to get to know over the past months. The issue is completely mine: I'm not good with emotions. I'm not good at recognizing them. (Clearly, as I missed how you felt about me.) I'm not good at handling them. I'm not good at processing them. I think you deserve someone who can be as warm towards you as you are towards your friends. I think you deserve someone who can relax and let themselves enjoy the little things in life, rather than being always so tight-strung.
But I do feel I owe you an explanation, at the very least.
There are several people here in Recolle who know the secret of my gender. Some are administrators, who have seen my paperwork. Some are people I apparently knew in my past life, who knew a me who wasn't trying to hide. And some found out... let's just say accidentally.
I've never told anyone why. Not even my grandparents. So I thought I would tell you.
About four or five years ago, I was living in the suburbs with my grandparents. I was so excited about becoming a detective, like the ones in the books and movies I voraciously consumed. I was eager to follow in the footsteps of my father and grandfather and great-grandfather, to continue the Shirogane legacy. I crafted all sorts of detective tools for myself, and purchased a police scanner to look out for potential crime scenes near me, thinking I could help.
One day, I heard about a burglary not too far from my school. Excited, I grabbed my bags, and went to help investigate. The officer on the scene looked at me like I'd grown a second head when I announced I was here to help. "You're just a girl," I remember him saying. "What can you do?"
Now that I put it into writing, it seems small and petty to me. It's just as possible he was referring to my age and youth as it was my gender. Maybe this entire time I've been interpreting it wrong. Perhaps I've just been foolish.
At the time, though, it was crushing. I remember the look on his face and the tone in his voice. I don't remember walking home, only curling up in my bedroom and feeling like a failure. He was right, I thought. There were no hardboiled detectives in my novels who were girls. It was a man's world, wasn't it? Even the Shirogane family legacy had been passed down from father to son, never to a daughter. If I wanted to live up to that legacy, I thought, I would have to never again be seen as "just a girl."
So I convinced my grandparents to let me move into the city, where I could do a work-study at my father's old precinct. I would be an independent young adult, and in the process, I would completely reinvent myself. Nobody would ever see me that way ever again: "just a girl."
I think I really have been a fool.
I wish I could have thought of something better to say the other week when we spoke in my home. I wish I could have been better at comforting you. I didn't know what I should say. To be honest, I'm still not sure I do. I'm just trying to be as honest as I can and hope it turns out well?
Trust is a hard concept for me. There are people I would trust with my life (other officers at the precinct) who don't know this secret of mine. To me, I would say in a second that I trust them... but if they learned about this, would they feel deceived too? Maybe they would be right to.
You have the right to feel deceived and betrayed, I think. When you erase all the context and details, I was dishonest with you about a fundamental concept of who I am.
But I do want to tell you that everything else was true. How I think about the world.
How I think about you.
I never thought you were stupid. To the contrary, I think you're often too hard on yourself. You're someone who in many ways I envy-- and admire, like for your compassion and strength. I genuinely did enjoy getting to know you and becoming your friend. I genuinely did-- and do-- care about your well-being and health. I felt protective of you, not because of any obligation or because of my duty as an officer.
It was because you were my friend. You were important to me. You *are* important to me.
I'm sorry for deceiving and hurting you, Ayano. You deserve better than that.
I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you have every right to be mad at me or hurt by my actions, and if you do not want to talk to me again, I will understand and respect your request.
But I would like to be friends, still. I would like to talk to you and hear your perspective on things and listen to you laugh and see you smile. If that is something that you would like, too, then please, you are welcome to contact me at any time.
Happy holidays and warm wishes.
Yours,
Naoto
1/18 text
oh. so is that why you were kind of freaking out?
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C O M P L I C A T E D
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Earlier January when I did not fail at things;
2/3 text
How would you like to help us help you out? Your observation period's up and I want you on this particular assignment. You'll be fine, you're probably not going to die, and we'll be able to monitor you from here. We need help. You've got the skills needed even if you don't know it yet. I know it and that's what counts.
You'll be working with a group (wish I could give you the names, still putting the lists together), but your assignment partner is Rosalind Lutece. Should you choose to accept this assignment, you will need to meet at the subway and we'll go from there.
You'll be rewarded for your success, of course, but this is only if we have an agreement. Do we have an agreement?
[No other messages will be sent from this account at this time.]
[ooc: Hello! You've been sorted into group 2. Your event log will go up at 9pm EST along with all of the other logs. We encourage you to read the main event log as well for more information about your recruiter and this note. In the meantime, head over to this thread on the latest mod post to meet your teammates. Thank you!]
2/5
It it's anything like what happened when I was spirited away, you may not have access to Retrospec.
If you do, please let me know as soon as you can.
Or as soon as you return.
Stay safe.
2/27
-nestle my face into your shoulder
-run a finger along your spine
-smell your shampoo in your hair
-hear you laugh
-see your smile
-lean against you on the couch
-share with you the novel I'm reading
-touch your face
-see you in between classes at school
-watch you scruff Kanji's fur
-close my eyes and enjoy your presence
-kiss you
-tell you a joke (likely poorly)
-embrace you
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You're so cute, naoto!! I want to do all of those things too...i miss you so much!
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sometime early april
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what can I help you w!
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5/5
Would you like to be my date to the prom?
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I was just waiting for you to like, ask me in a dramatic way like by setting my lawn on fire to spell out "PROM" like in those movies
Yes we're going to prom together! I actually wasn't sure if that was the kind of thing you'd be into, though...
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